Thoughts on 2024

I’m supposed to work on my 42 project, but I can’t help thinking about my Common Core ETA (estimated completion date).

![[Screenshot 2024-01-16 at 3.05.39 PM 1.png]]

Part of me thinks that, this changes nothing: it all depends on how I react to things, and my future is made out of my present moment decisions.

Another part of me is (frankly) panicking, with the sense of anxiety, of feeling very far behind, of feeling and wondering “how am I going to finish 42 full time this year??” It’s a very potent swirl of emotions. My immediate instinct is to go into anxiety, self-preservation mode: I need to cut down on projects, I need to serve less, I need to focus more on the 42 curriculum full time.

But I also know that these are just my emotions playing tricks on me. It’s the sense of ego. And I need to NOT listen to this.

If I apply the Four Truths,

  • The suffering is from the sense of anxiety, which comes from wanting.

  • If I ask myself “what do I want?”, it’s clear that “I want to be able to finish the 42 core curriculum by the end of the year.” But the truth is that, the ability to finish the curriculum by the end of the year is actually not entirely in my control, given my other obligations and duties.

  • What is within my control, though?

    • An initial understanding of why I am behind at this point.
    • A decision whether I do want to pay this price of catching up.
    • An initial attempt to figure out what I should do less, continue or start.
    • Try things out.

  • What are some of the reasons why I am behind?

    • A clear answer is the five weeks retreat at Ajahn Brahm’s monastery. That was a clear price I decided to pay. No regrets on this one!
    • Related to this, there was also a drop in motivation after the core curriculum had been unveiled: I had initially really dragged my feet, and really was not as consistent at working on my libft as I could have been. I also didn’t rush to work on printf like the others, as I wanted to take time off.
    • There is also a possibility that I’m just not that good as compared to others, and that it takes me quite a while to ramp up vs. other people. This is a constant possibility to consider.

  • Whether I do want to pay the price to catch up

    • It’s not WHAT I have to do, but HOW I do it that matters. That is often the only thing I really have control over.
    • 42 is not the be-all-end-all: it is not the 8fold path, it’s not the Dhamma practice.
    • What I won’t pay to catch up:
      • break precepts
      • spend too many hours burning myself out
      • destroy my relationship with my wife

  • What can I do less or stop?

    • being too relaxed
    • Being too puritan, about not reading other people’s code bases before starting projects.
    • Maybe watch less TV in the evenings with the wife?
    • Stop using Fridays in a very unstructured, unproductive way. Maybe I should experiment with using Fridays to also work on 42 Core, especially since I might be doing more design thinking training this year, which will eat into the rest of my time.

  • What can I start doing?

    • Structuring Fridays at home, to be more focused and productive.
      • To work on a management course, around High Output Management.
    • use Trello more for planning my work.

  • What should I continue doing?

    • Going in from Mon to Thu, during office hours.
    • Meditating 2-3 times a day.
    • Working out regularly.
    • Monthly 8 precepts on Uposatha days

Started on 16 Jan 24 at 1503hrs. Finished on 16 Jan 24 at 1556hrs.