Dark Skies

Two Fridays ago, I was tired after work, and started to flip around my Apple Music to find a song. (This is highly unusual, as I normally don’t listen to any music nowadays)

And I came across an old song that I haven’t listened to in a while: Stephanie Sun 孙燕姿’s song 天黑黑

The part that unexpectedly resonated with me was the chorus (adapted from here):

我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人 (wǒ ài shàng ràng wǒ fèn bú gù shēn de yī gè rén (I fell for someone who made me reckless and careless

我以为这就是我所追求的世界 wǒ yǐ wéi zhè jiù shì wǒ suǒ zhuī qiú de shì jiè I thought this was the world I was chasing after.

然而横冲直撞被误解被骗 rán ér héng chōng zhí zhuàng bèi wù jiě bèi piàn However, running ahead recklessly, bumping around, I was misunderstood and misled

是否成人的世界背后 shì fǒu chéng rén de shì jiè bèi hòu Is it that in the world of adults, behind their facade,

总有残缺 zǒng yǒu cán quē … there is always something missing?

我走在每天必须面对的分岔路 wǒ zǒu zài měi tiān bì xū miàn duì de fēn chà lù Everyday, I walk towards the crossroads / dilemmas that I must face

我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福 wǒ huái niàn guò qù dān chún měi hǎo de xiǎo xìng fú I miss the pure and innocent little pleasures of the past

爱总是让人哭 ài zǒng shì ràng rén kū Love always makes people cry

让人觉得不满足 ràng rén júe dé bù mǎn zú and makes them feel discontented

天空很大却看不清楚 tiān kōng hěn dà què kàn bù qīng chǔ The sky is wide, yet (I am) unable to see clearly

好孤独 hǎo gū dú … it feels so lonely!

This chorus reminded me of a period of my life (over 20 years ago!) when I had indeed fallen for someone who made me reckless and careless. That was also really a period of my life when I was misunderstood, misled, and also alienated from many people: my family, many friends (except some of my closest and oldest friends), school mates, etc. The loneliness (and depression) I felt was really something back then…

And yet, nowadays, I am often alone. But I don’t feel lonely, largely because my mind is also at a very different place.

And I also have fallen in love (and am still in love) with someone who (thankfully) has NOT made me reckless, but instead has made me more thoughtful, considered, and lovable as a person. She was and is the first person I dated who was so sensible and “normal” that on their first meeting, my sis turned to me and ironically asked “what’s wrong with you: how come you brought home someone so normal and sane this time?” 🤣

While emotions are needed to make decisions, emotions that are too strong distort one’s mind, and are not an indicator of truth.