Yesterday, I was participating in a workshop for the Buddhist Mentorship Programme, and was helping to lead a breakout session for a group of 4-5 participants. The prompt given was “Think of 1 difficult conversation you would like to have with someone; briefly share the context with your group; apply the tips you have learned to formulate your approach with the help of the mentor and new friends”.

What kinda surprised me was how the type of difficult conversation which came up was basically the same: how to give “negative” or “critical” feedback. One mentee struggled to give that type of feedback to her subordinate, another struggled to share with her superior about toxic behaviours, yet another struggled to think about how to give the feedback to a close relative.

On further probing, the main concerns raised were

  • the fear of an unknown reaction: what would happen if the person does X? Especially if the person had shown a history of volatile behaviour.
  • the concern of being “bad” or being perceived as being “overly harsh”
  • not wanting to hurt the other person I think what was also unspoken is that, in a Singaporean context, people are afraid of being seen as “not nice”. One of us shared that she tended to focus on the positives in such conversations. I cautioned about the downside: when the negative performance appraisal comes, people end up being surprised by the bad rating. “You have been saying my work is good: why am I being laid off??” So it is important to be candid without being hurtful. b

What I suggested was the following process:

Reframed mindsets:

  • I asked them: if you had a meal with a close friend and they have food stuck on their teeth, would you tell them? Most of them said they would. “But why? Wouldn’t that cause them to feel bad?” I then added that most of us WOULD want to know, even if we might feel embarassed. And I pointed out: giving critical feedback is not that different from telling someone they have food stuck in their teeth. You are pointing out something which the other person cannot see, which might be helpful for the other person to know. This seemed to really help people.

  • I also pointed out to them that you cannot force people to accept your frame, so you need to frame your feedback as an offer of perspective, and to leave the recipient to decide whether or not to take it up.

Pick the right time, and ask the person:

  • the asking tone should be informal and casual, not overly serious. Like “would you have some time for us to have a chat? I would love to buy you a coffee or lunch.”
  • The ideal timing is when the person is relatively relaxed. I suggested offering to take the person for lunch or coffee, and having the chat after they have had some food.
  • Definite no-no: don’t do this just before mealtimes, and don’t do this when they are extremely busy.
  • It is extremely important that you, the feedback giver, initiate the conversation. I can’t explain entirely why, but there is something intangible about the initiator of a conversation shaping the frame of the conversation… so you need to take that initiative.

Start the feedback by framing it as an observation, which they might not be aware of. E.g.

“I would like to share an observation for your consideration. I thought about this long and hard, as I wasn’t sure… but in the end, I thought it best to share this with you ,as you might not be aware of this and might want to know this for your personal growth.”

  • Framing it in such terms is relatively neutral, and few people will be offended with such words.

Offer the feedback by sharing your Observation, Interpretation and Impact:

  • Observation: state factually what you have observed. E.g. “I have noticed that you have rolled your eyes whenever I ask a question.”
  • Interpretation: state your interpretation of it, and emphasize this is your interpretation with the words “it seems to me…”. E.g. “It seemed to me that you thought I am stupid for asking the question.”
  • Impact: share your thoughts on the impact of the observation, especially the impact beyond you, on the wider team. E.g. “This has made me hesitate to ask clarifying questions, and will affect my ability to onboard quickly and contribute to the team.”

Caveat that this is just your pov, and ask the person for their response.

  • E.g. “That’s just my perspective for your consideration. I am curious to know what are your thoughts and reactions to what I have shared?”
  • If appropriate, ask them what they would do differently after this conversation.

The above is just a starting point for a conversation… what follows after this is also critical: to be able to listen totally & to ask follow-up questions. But the hardest part of critical feedback is the first step, and this has taken me quite a few years to learn! So I hope this is helpful. 🙂

Started on 16 Feb 25 at 1436.
Finished on 16 Feb 25 at 1717hrs.